
Tu B’Av, while a minor Jewish holiday, has surged in popularity over the last century, especially in the State of Israel. A Chag HaAhava (Festival of Love), commonly called “Jewish Valentine’s Day,” Tu B’Av is considered a particularly auspicious day for romance, expressions of love, and even weddings.
Tu B'Av commemorates the day that, according to the Talmud (Taanit 30b:8-13), women and men from different tribes were first permitted to marry one another. Many now see Tu B’Av as a celebration of the freedom to love without prejudice.
Reform Judaism believes that all couples of all genders are worthy of affirmation. Whether partners' genders differ or are the same, their love is celebrated.
Frequently, though, society still imparts an implicit bias: When two partners appear to be different genders, they are often assumed to be “straight”; if both individuals appear to be of the same gender, they’re assumed to be “gay.” But for queer couples with one or more partner who is bisexual, pansexual, trans, non-binary, gender-expansive, or who does not generally identify with the gay/straight or male/female binary, this can cause feelings of erasure and invisibility (learn more about all of these terms).
Tu B’Av can remind us that love transcends these heteronormative binaries and exists in many different, beautiful forms.
We’re both queer-identifying Jews (Chris is bisexual; Mo is pansexual) in relationships with partners who identify as straight and different genders than ourselves. Judaism has strengthened our relationships and brought us closer to our partners; Judaism has given us both comfort in our individual senses of queerness. We see Tu B’Av as an opportunity to affirm, cherish, and honor our respective relationships – which may look heteronormative to some but are, in fact, queer and sacred all at once.
Indeed, Tu B’Av gives us a chance to be seen for who we are, to wipe away that gloss of assumption and reveal the diversity of relationships that exist in this world.
We’ve both lived much of our lives in the shadows, keeping our bi and pan identities concealed at times – not only because of homophobia but also because of the exhaustion of explaining to others that, yes, our partners are different genders than we are, but no, we’re not straight.
We’ve both dealt with our share of random and inappropriate questions, including, “If you’re queer, why are you in a relationship with someone who’s a different gender than you? How does that work? Don’t they get jealous? Are you even really queer?”
Tu B’Av, however, gives us a chance to celebrate our love for our partners and for ourselves. While we gamble on the possibility of exposing our identities and receiving inappropriate questions and inaccurate assumptions, this holiday also allows us a sacred freedom to “own it.”
When we attend Jewish events with our partners and introduce them to others who know about our bi/pan identities, we challenge norms simply by existing. We introduce people to an even broader spectrum of queerness than they are used to seeing on TV or in movies and books. We teach others that love – like so much else in Judaism and in life – is not constrictive or reduced to either/or labels.
The personal strength it takes for us to own our individual identities (no matter who we are partnered with) allows others around us to experience – and, we hope, appreciate, understand, and accept – a part of LGBTQ+ diversity that typically goes unnoticed.
Furthermore, because Tu B’Av occurs a month before the start of the High Holidays, it’s also a chance to begin the yearly tradition of reflection before the Jewish New Year. While we see this as the perfect time to reflect on our growth, both as individuals and in our relationships, we also invite others who still adhere to a gay/straight binary to challenge their ideas of acceptance and views of “the norm.”
If we, as Jews, believe love should be celebrated – whether that love involves people of the same or differing genders – then that applies to all of us, no matter how we identify or whom we love.
Might you harbor ingrained philosophies of what couples should look like? We invite others to take this opportunity to better understand that many couples do not simply exist as straight or gay; that there is nothing confusing about a woman dating a man and one (or both) of them identifying as queer. These couples aren’t confused or complicated for having relationships that don’t perfectly conform to a gay/straight binary.
In short? Love is love is love.
Happy Tu B’Av!
Visit our REDI Workshops page to learn about upcoming DEI webinars, which include classes centered on affirming members of the LGBTQ+ community.