Reclaiming the Title of Jewish Mother

Jewish mothers get a bad rap, but it is time to change the narrative. Mainstream portrayals of Jewish mothers often show them as overprotective, anxious, and smothering. And sure, many of us have had the experience of getting a phone call from our own Jewish mothers telling us about some outrageous new illness she feared was on the rise or about a friend's friend who just died.

If you're like me, maybe you've also found yourself in these stereotyped portrayals. Do you feel anxious about possible allergens in snacks, worry about getting an email from school about another sickness going around, or wonder of there will be enough parking at the pediatrician's office a full two days before the appointment? I do.

Even as I know that Jewish moms are nuanced, strong women, I, too, have sometimes been a victim of this idea of Jewish motherhood. I am a Jewish mom with an anxiety disorder and two little Jews of my own. I also spend a lot of time around Jewish mothers and mothers raising their children in Jewish homes. This does not make me an authority, but the women I was raised by and now know as friends are some of the most intelligent, engaged, vivacious, funny, and capable people out there. Can they be anxious and nervous? Sure, but they are also strong women doing important things while raising kids. Wherever you find them, whatever they are doing, you won't find them playing out the trop of a hen-pecking, hand-wringing, nervous yenta.

Jewish moms in pop culture rarely have this nuance. "Nobody Wants This," The Goldbergs," "Seinfeld," "Will & Grace," and "The Nanny" are some of the first shows that come to mind when I think of Jewish mothers. The Jewish mothers we see in media are often there to provide background and context to the other characters, adding tension and being overbearing. They are rarely their own people. Pop culture shows us as being disproportionately anxious, overbearing, et cetera, but it does not show that we also disproportionately send our kids to sleepaway camp.

Maybe some of us identify as an anxious group with our own particular brand of neuroses, but pop culture has missed one important thing about Jewish mothers: since 1893, we have been sending our kids to sleepaway camp. What's radical about us isn't our anxieties, but our willingness to push past them.

How can anyone doubt that we defy the stereotypes? How is it possible these "overbearing women with anxiety" haven't plotzed (fainted) every time they send their kids off to camp? We've survived sending our children away for a month or more every summer for almost 150 years. Isn't that pretty radical? When we send our children to camp, we are giving them independence, resources to handle conflict on their own, and chances to build resilience. 

Sending our children to camp takes an incredible amount of trust. First, we have to trust that we have raised young people capable of going out into the world at a young age. Second, we must trust that our kids have everything they need to venture off into the unknown. Finally, we have to trust the counselors and staff to support our kids' growth.

Even though some parents might speak regularly with professional staff members, they are not in the bunk with their child. They are not in the dining hall, on the field, at the arts programming, or attending Shabbat services. They cannot call or text their child, track their location, or control what they are eating.

When I worked at camp as a staff member in my late teens and early 20s, we talked about "in loco parentis" (Latin for "in the place of the parent"). We all took to heart that we were there to care for the kids as if they were our own. We were there to provide comfort, support, guidance, and safety… not replacing parents, but holding space for these children. Every opening day at drop off, I would talk to parents, assuring them we would care for their kid. I'd listen to their hopes and fears and encourage them to trust us. Eventually, they did just that and drove home.

Now that I am a parent myself and a council member at URJ Camp Harlam, I can understand how much fear and anxiety parents - not just mothers! - feel about their children being anywhere without them. Though Jewish summer camps have been providing nurturing spaces for years, that does not mean our worries don't exist. However, we refuse to let our fears hinder our children's experiences. We push through our discomfort because we know the value. What better gift can a Jewish mother give her children?

I look forward to the day when I drive through the camp gates, listen to a young adult tell me how they're ready to care for my kids, and let them go. There is something miraculous, magical, and radical about letting our kids go to camp.