On the eve of my own exciting, uncertain journey, I sit down to write about the journeys of our ancestors in the Torah portion Vayishlach. Reading about Jacob's frantic and anxious preparations for his meeting with Esau and then about Dinah's "going out," I think about my long-anticipated journey to Ethiopia, now only two days away. I am leaving for Addis Ababa to meet and bring home our nine-month-old son, whose pictures we have studied longingly for nearly his whole life. As the moment of our introduction approaches, I find myself both painfully eager to hold him and, conversely, savoring the last moments of mystery, trying to etch into my soul the memory of not knowing this child. As in my case, neither Jacob nor Dinah was able to predict or decide the outcome of his or her journey.
Years earlier, after Jacob had stolen his brother's blessing from their father, Isaac, he fled from the infuriated Esau. Jacob now fears the unknown and the possibility of Esau's vengeful wrath. Thus Jacob makes carefully choreographed preparations to protect his family, servants, and wealth. (Genesis 32:8-9) He beseeches God to remember the deal they had struck earlier when Jacob had prayed for God to rescue him from the hands of Esau and God had responded favorably to Jacob's request. (Genesis 32:10-14) Dinah, on the other hand, demonstrates fearlessness and a readiness to face whatever she may encounter in her going out "to visit the daughters of the land." (Genesis 34:1) She embraces mystery. Jacob's intricate maneuverings to move on are juxtaposed with the free spiritedness of Dinah's approach to her excursion.
The results of their respective journeys are also different. Jacob meets his brother and the two of them treat each other with kindness and generosity, although their reunion is short-lived. (Genesis 33:1-15) On the other hand, Dinah's journey culminates in her rape by Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, chief of the region. (Genesis 34:2) Her journey was traumatic, although we do not know to what extent because her voice—her thoughts and feelings—was not recorded. In any case, Jacob's much-feared encounter was peaceful, and Dinah's openness resulted in her being violated. Dinah's unrestrained, unburdened approach to her expedition balances Jacob's panicky attempt to control the unknown.
Reading these two stories informs my understanding of how my family approaches the unknown and the huge changes we are now facing. Ethiopia! A new child! A brother for our two daughters! I know that I do not want to attempt (inevitably in vain) to control every detail of what this new child will mean for our family, fearing the vicissitudes of life so much that I cannot allow life to unfold. Nor do I want chaos to be the ruling force by wholly submitting myself to chance.
As a result, our preparations for the adoption have included both ends of the spectrum. On the one hand, we meticulously worked through piles of tedious paperwork with an inner sense of fearful, frantic faithlessness in the bureaucratic process. Will it fail us? How can we affect it, control it, speed it up, insure that it goes well? On the other hand, we experienced a simple but true faith that propelled us into the world and to one of its millions of orphans, letting mystery fill our souls.
While working through this process—as well as that of parenting our two birth children—we have learned to take control when possible and appropriate and at other times to embrace mystery. Like Jacob, we are preparing for the worst: Medical specialists have been located, practitioners of child development researched, and a therapist consulted. And like Dinah, we are stepping out of the familiar, feeling the wind on our faces, openhearted and unafraid, to meet life.
Questions for Discussion
- After his meeting with Esau, Jacob arrives safely at his destination of Shechem: The Torah describes him as arriving shalem, "whole." Do you think that Jacob's sense of wholeness was a result of his meeting with Esau or that he was already whole and the meeting did not alter him in any way?
- Dinah's voice is not heard at all. Since the motivation for her journey is left vague, we can only imagine her thoughts. What do you think prompted Dinah's exploration?
- Has either of these two ways of approaching the unknown influenced your life and the life of your family or community?
Rabbi Susan Silverman is a Women of the Wall activist who lives in Israel.
This year, we in the United States read Parashat Vayishlach on the weekend of Thanksgiving. During one of the most congested periods of the year, people from all over the country will be journeying "home." For most of them, the traveling is merely a means to an end: All their planning is geared toward reaching their destination, which many of them call "home."
Parashat Vayishlach recounts another kind of homecoming, that of our ancestor Jacob. After having spent twenty years working in Paddan-aram for his uncle Laban, Jacob is about to return home to Canaan. It is there that he will reunite with his family, including his brother, Esau, who twenty years earlier intended to kill him. (Genesis 27:41)
As Rabbi Silverman recounts, the parashah begins with Jacob making "carefully choreographed preparations." First, Jacob sends his messengers to offer Esau gifts "in the hope of gaining [Esau's] favor." (Genesis 32:4-6) Then, upon hearing that Esau was coming to greet him "with four hundred of men" (Genesis 32:7), Jacob becomes "greatly frightened." (Genesis 32:8) Realizing that the gifts he had offered wouldn't impress the commander of such a large group of men, Jacob strategizes for the possibility of battle. (Genesis 32:8-9) Finally, having exhausted all other options, Jacob prays. (Genesis 32:10-13) After having taken care of these and other different types of preparations, Jacob crosses a river and is "left alone" on the night before he is to meet his brother. It is at this point that he wrestles with an unidentified man until daybreak. (Genesis 32:25-32)
Jacob's preparations for the reunion are intense, elaborate, and exhausting. After planning and praying, Jacob is finally ready to meet his brother. When he and Esau do meet, they hug, kiss, share some gifts and small talk, and then head in different directions. That's all. No battle. No murder. Not even any displays of anger or recrimination. Nothing but a pleasant, short reunion.
Carrying twenty years' worth of sibling baggage, Jacob knew only one thing—that Esau was approaching with four hundred men. From that moment on, his mind could focus solely on this piece of information. He could imagine only the worst-case scenario for his reunion with Esau. It took frantic and extreme preparations, including prayer and solitude, on Jacob's part to enable him to put this reunion into a proper perspective.
So what can we learn from Jacob in this instance? How can planning for a homecoming or a reunion be helpful? When can such plans be misguided? What time do we set aside for reflection so that our preparations are internal as well as external, proactive and not only reactive?
As you travel home or welcome friends and family into your home on this or any other holiday weekend, remember: If you're carrying baggage with you (and who among us isn't?), your family "issues" will need to be addressed in various ways. Jacob and Esau leave each other in peace, but the cost for Jacob was a permanent disability—a strain in his thigh. (Genesis 32:26) All family conflicts exact some price, but achieving peace between siblings is well worth it.
Suggested Reading Self, Struggle and Change: Family Conflict Stories in Genesis and Their Healing Insights for Our Lives, Norman J. Cohen (Jewish Lights Publishing, Woodstock, VT) 1995.
At the time of this writing in 1999, Rick Abrams, RJE, was the assistant director of the UAHC Department of Adult Jewish Growth in New York.
Vayishlach, Genesis 32:4-36:43
The Torah: A Modern Commentary, pp. 217–237; Revised Edition, pp. 218–240;
The Torah: A Women's Commentary, pp. 183–208
