Parents' Blessings on Your Wedding Day

Although my own children are closer to their bet mitzvahBet Mitzvahבֶּת מִצְוָהA gender-inclusive term for b’nai/bat/bar mitzvah. Bet is the second letter of the Hebrew alphabet and the first letter of the traditional Hebrew names of this lifecycle event. The term is thus inclusive and gender neutral, giving individuals flexibility to choose the term that best speaks to them. than their weddings, every time I facilitate a wedding, I can’t help but reflect on what an emotional experience it is for those who raised them. I can only imagine how extraordinary it must be to realize that a child you've raised has grown to adulthood and chosen to create a new family through marriage. When I officiate at a wedding, I like to acknowledge that it marks a significant milestone moment – not only for the couple, but also for their caregivers, parents, and grandparents.

At Jewish welcoming ceremonies for babies, the traditional blessing for parents is that they should raise their child to a life of Torah (Jewish learning), chuppahchuppahחֻפָּה"Canopy" under which a couple is married, often thought to represent their first home as a married couple. Typically the roof of the canopy is composed of cloth; a tallit is sometimes used for this purpose. "Chuppah" can also refer to the entire wedding ceremony. (marriage), and maasim tovim (good deeds). Now, having reached the chuppah, I orchestrate a ritual moment by inviting parents/caregivers to bless the couple.

Couples may choose to invite those who raised them to offer a blessing on their wedding day. For parents and caregivers, it is an opportunity to express their hopes, dreams, and wishes for the couple and give their advice for a strong and happy marriage.

Not every couple takes me up on this offer. It doesn’t fit every relationship, family configuration, or personality, but the couple’s relationships with their own caregivers and future in-laws (or out-laws, as my own spouse likes to joke) is something the couple and I discuss in our premarital conversations.

Sometimes, what’s right for the family is for me to offer a blessing of gratitude on behalf of the group as the officiating rabbi, rather than invite them to offer a blessing. Sometimes, what’s right for the family is to skip that moment altogether.

Those that do invite their parents to offer a blessing often report that their caregivers react with gratitude (and a little bit of nervousness). In some cases, I suggest readings; in others, parents have an idea of their own in mind or prefer to write personal remarks, which I suggest should be no longer than half a page.

If the idea of a “blessing” feels intimidating or strange, I invite the family to reframe it as an opportunity to share wishes. I always caution caregivers to write out their words in advance and not rely on speaking spontaneously in what is often an emotional moment. At some weddings, parents will speak as a pair; at others, each will speak individually. Some couples also invite grandparents, step-parents, and/or co-parents to offer a blessing, too.

My practice is to invite parental figures to share their blessings during the ketubahketubahכְּתֻבָּהTraditional Jewish marriage contract; plural: ketubot signing ceremony immediately before the wedding because it provides a more intimate setting. That said, it may also be done under the chuppah as part of the wedding ceremony.