Launching Them

In Judaism, transitions are sacred opportunities to acknowledge growth, seek guidance, and find meaning. As I stood with my daughter Hannah on the cusp of a huge separation - her departure for college - I felt a deep longing for a ritual to mark this moment, to honor the complexities of letting go and embracing the unknown.

The light in her eyes tonight was more than the reflection of the Shabbat candles. It came from within, from her eagerness and desire to head out into the greater world, an act for which we had all prepared.

We had lived together, in pandemic quarantine - during two years in which Hannah had turned 16 and 17. She had missed important milestones of those years: freely exploring with friends, testing limits, even dating.

What would that look like when she was living on a college campus three thousand miles away? Only God knew.

It was the last Shabbat, so I prepared a special blessing to give her. A blessing for protection and for fortitude, with a clear charge to take responsibility for her actions and honor cherished family values as she learned to grow beyond our early years together.

She listened, a smile on her face, then straightened up to full height in her chair.

"Thanks, Mom."

Like that, it was over in a flash. That was it.

It didn't feel like enough to me.

If only we had had a ritual designed for us to say out loud what this moment signified for her and for us-her parents, a ritual in which we took this moment to acknowledge the complicated feelings around this change in our lives.

After all, for so many years we had been loving guardians - providing, protecting, and nurturing - and now, we were becoming loving guides, offering provisions and hopefully guardrails for safe passage as we all moved into the breach. That would have made the experience qualitatively different.

It truly felt like a combination of her bat brit, her bat mitzvah ceremony, and all those times we marked moving from one level of schooling to another - pre-k, elementary, middle school, high school graduation/party.

I wish there had been a script that would help us to honor everyone's roles and to celebrate these life changes as we asked ourselves:

How does this feel?

What directions do I imagine this might go in, could this go in?

Who will I lean on who understands what I am going through?

Transitions are endings and also beginnings.

This transition would have felt like a moment of safe passage.

If only we had had a ritual to help us through.